Embracing Self-Care: Parenting Yourself as an LGBTQIA+ Adult
Navigating familial relationships as an LGBTQ+ adult isn’t all sunshine and, well, rainbows. For many of us, our relationships with our parents are complex, strenuous, and even downright unpleasant—and that’s just for those of us who still HAVE relationships with our parents. Sprinkle-in estrangement and a dash of trauma, and you’ve got yourself a mess that’s hard enough to cope with on a normal day. And then comes the holidays. Specifically, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
Parenting Your Inner Child
For many LGBTQ+ individuals, Mother's Day and Father's Day can bring up complex emotions and memories, particularly for those of us who have faced rejection or estrangement from our families. There’s a certain amount of social obligation at play. Your parents MADE you—though some view it as more of an “ownership” situation—and they deserve your respect and unwavering devotion. They deserve a card and flowers and a phone call and your obedience. Right?
Absolutely Not. Well, at least not unconditionally. Listen, we’re not here to tell you how to navigate dealing with your parents. But the reality is that regardless of how someone is related to you, that does not give them the right to discriminate against you, harm you, berate you, violate your boundaries, and otherwise cause you misery. Full stop. Sometimes independence is an air mattress on the floor. Sometimes safety is a leaky studio apartment. If being around your parents causes you grief, you have to take that seriously. You deserve gentleness. You deserve joy. You are not a bad “kid” for seeking that kind of life.
So, how do we navigate these social rituals that involve our “family”? You start by using them as an opportunity for personal growth and self-care. You start by being the parent you need. By learning to "parent" ourselves as adults, we can foster our emotional well-being and create a supportive and nurturing environment, even if our relationships with our own parents have been challenging. In this blog, we'll explore the concept of parenting yourself as an LGBTQ+ adult, focusing on wellness and self-care strategies specifically tailored for these holidays.
You are part of a strong, diverse, loving community that spans the whole world and all of human history.
On a personal, rambling note (seriously, this is starting to feel like a TED Talk), we want you to know that you’re not alone. Not truly. You are part of a strong, diverse, loving community that spans the whole world and all of human history. WE are out there, and WE are here for you. We aren’t therapists, but if you need a shoulder, you bet your cute butt that you can reach-out to your Queerful family. And for what it’s worth, we think you are lovely. Now, let’s get to work.
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Embracing the Emotional Rollercoaster
It's essential to recognize and validate your emotions during Mother's Day and Father's Day. Acknowledge any feelings of sadness, anger, or disappointment that may arise and give yourself permission to experience these emotions without judgment. Remember, it's okay to feel a mix of emotions, and it's essential to be gentle with yourself as you navigate through them.
Consider dumping your brain into a notebook—if you’re feeling extra sassy, rip out the page when you’re done and burn it (safely) with a candle. We recommend performing this particular act in a bathtub (not that we’re speaking from experience or something like that…) where you can easily water the situation down if needed.
A Celebration of Chosen Family: Create Your Own Traditions
One way to shift the focus from potentially painful memories is to create new traditions that celebrate your chosen family and the love and support they provide. Host a gathering with close friends or loved ones, engage in activities that bring you joy, or find meaningful ways to honor the people who have positively impacted your life.
There’s no wrong way to start a new tradition. My personal favorite is going to a grocery store and buying (affordable) flower bouquets, then taking them apart and putting flowers on people’s cars. Alternatively, volunteering your time for a nonprofit can be an excellent way to spend a holiday—some people might not have anyone else to celebrate with.
Be Your Own Best Friend: Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience you would offer a friend or loved one. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your needs, setting boundaries, and giving yourself the care and nurturing you deserve. One helpful exercise is thinking about how you would speak to an actual child—or how you would respond to someone else speaking to a child. If the words would be harmful to them, then guess what? They’re harmful to you, too. And you deserve better than that.
Re-Capturing Youth: Nurture Your Inner Child
Speaking of children, let’s talk about your inner child. Take time to reconnect with your inner child—that part of you that is silly and sweet and in-need of care and affection—and address any unresolved feelings or needs. Engage in activities that bring back positive memories or create new experiences that bring you joy and contentment. This can include anything from spending a day at the park, enjoying a favorite childhood treat, or indulging in a beloved hobby or pastime.
Approach this part of your healing without judgment. If you’re paying your bills and handling your responsibilities, then guess what? You can go out and buy that toy you always wanted. You can go to the zoo, or the water park, or build a blanket fort in your living room. Worrying about being “silly” is a surefire way to spoil your happiness, and no one has time for that.
The Strength in Togetherness: Seek Support
If you find yourself struggling during these holidays, reach out to friends, chosen family, or mental health professionals who can provide support and understanding. LGBTQ+ support groups or therapy can also offer a safe space to explore and process your emotions and experiences.
Contrary to what toxic people might have told you, it’s not weak or weird to need other people. Just because you are strong doesn’t mean you should have to BE strong all the time. We’re pack animals. Even something as simple as a video chat with a friend can make a big difference on a difficult day.
Count Your Blessings: Cultivate Gratitude
Focus on the positive aspects of your life and express gratitude for the love and support you receive from your chosen family and friends. Practicing gratitude can help shift your perspective and promote a greater sense of well-being.
The other important aspect of gratitude is pride. Yes, we know, being “prideful” is bad or whatever. We argue that constant shame and self-loathing are much worse. There’s a big difference between being proud of yourself and thinking you’re better than someone. Take some time to really think about where you’ve been—everything that has ever tried to break you, or ruin you, or kill you has failed. You’re still here. You’re still you. Do you have any idea how strong you are? Your child-self would be so proud of how far you’ve come. Be grateful to YOURSELF for all that you’ve done to get here.
Love Yourself First: Prioritize Self-Care
Make self-care a priority during Mother's Day and Father's Day, as well as throughout the year. Engage in activities that promote relaxation, self-reflection and emotional well-being, such as meditation, journaling, exercise, or spending time in nature. By nurturing yourself, you're better equipped to face any emotional challenges that may arise during these holidays.
We’ve said before and we’ll say it again: bath bombs and cake are all fine and good, but they’re just one piece of the, well, cake. Real self-care means showing up in all areas of your life. It means doing the hard work. Setting healthy boundaries. Taking care of your home and your health however you can.
Maybe that’s the hardest part of all. Maybe you didn’t have someone in your life who took care of you like that, who made sure you were clean and fed and safe. It’s okay to look back and be angry about that. It’s okay to not be ready to forgive those people who hurt you. It’s okay if you never do. But none of that is an excuse not to take care of yourself, now. It’s got nothing to do with what they did (or didn’t do) and everything to do with what you need to have a good life. You deserve that kind of love. That’s really all there is to it.
Happy YOU Day, Baby
Learning to parent yourself as an LGBTQ+ adult during Mother's Day and Father's Day is an ongoing process of self-discovery, self-compassion, and personal growth. By focusing on wellness and self-care, acknowledging and addressing your emotions, and building connections within the LGBTQ+ community, you can create a supportive and nurturing environment that promotes emotional well-being.
Every situation is different. Every person is different. We all come from different backgrounds and cultures that make us 100% unique. That’s why our community is so wonderful. BUT that diversity also means that no one piece of advice or perspective is perfect for everyone. The big takeaway, here, is that you are your own person. And as a person, you deserve to feel safe, and should be able to set healthy boundaries in your life.
Remember that you are deserving of love, care, and happiness, and that your chosen family, friends, and community are there to support you on your journey. Embrace these self-care strategies to create a more fulfilling and balanced life, not just during these holidays, but throughout the year.
If your parents are not the people you need them to be, that is not your fault. They’ve got their own lifetime of issues that happened before you were born. You can’t change them. You can inspire them, but they have to do the work. They have to think that you are WORTH the work. And if they don’t? That’s on them, not you. Q