Tolerance Is Not Enough
I am an avid reader of bumper stickers. Maybe it’s because I assume - rightly or wrongly - they will give me an idea what kind of person is driving a ton or more of potentially lethal metal, plastic and rubber in front of me. Call it a visual frisking to determine if the driver carries a threatening attitude. Or maybe I’m just curious about what people decide to declare about themselves on the bumper of their vehicles. We have two bumper stickers. One is a Norwegian flag, sending out the message I’m a descendent of immigrants who en route to America braved storms at sea in crafts of minimal structural integrity. The other sticker is an attempt at humor which says “Not all who wander are lost, but I am.”
One day during my intentional perusing of bumper stickers, I noticed one which spelled out ‘Tolerance’ using various religious and human rights symbols. The O was the peace symbol. The T was a cross. The A was the Star of David. The R included a Kokopelli - a Native American fertility symbol usually found in the southwestern portion of the United States. The message being broadcast by the driver was clear: We should all adopt tolerance for all the groups that were artfully and cleverly spelled out.
It was a positive statement, I suppose, but I didn’t feel comfortable with the message. Maybe it’s because of how I define and visualize it. What do I simply tolerate in life? I associate tolerance with something unwelcome and beyond my control. I tolerate a cold or an unwelcome change in my plans. I tolerate things which are not appreciated but nonetheless exist. I don’t use the word tolerance as an endorsement of a particular experience. The call for tolerance, as expressed in the sticker, was a well-intentioned push for others to recognize diversity in religion, human rights and all expressions of human sexuality. But when I try to associate the message of the sticker with the meaning of the word, I simply cannot accept the use of tolerance when applied to my marriage, friends’ religions, sexual diversity, and even a call for peace. Those are non-negotiables, requiring more than an attitude of tolerance of our existence. Tolerance may be a step forward for people just learning there is a world outside of their limited experience, but for those of us in the LGBTQIA+ family, we must continue to push and work for a world that goes beyond that and into a full celebration of who we are.
Just as we’ve evolved individually in our self-perceptions, the LGBTQIA+ family has evolved as we move forward in appreciation for who we are and what we bring to the universe. We are on a journey of ever-increasing recognition that our existence enhances and blesses everyone, even when it’s denied or ignored. At one time we may have settled for tolerance, but the term includes an apologetic tone akin to “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m not straight. I hope you can put up with me.” This is not the best the world can do. Neither is it an apt descriptor for what we deserve.
We are more than tolerable. Our identities are a blessing. The one non-negotiable central teaching of major religious traditions - at least the ones I’m aware of - is that blessed people are themselves blessings. But for those blessings to be appreciated and embraced, we require more than tolerance. We need and deserve full appreciation for our existence. We need a sense of joy in who we are. We must love ourselves, even if others can only show mere tolerance. We must go beyond, leaving behind that woefully inadequate and apologetic viewpoint. This is especially true now when intolerance is actively promoted by far-right political and religious entities hoping to purge the world of any diversity. They are attempting to eradicate anything that does not reflect straight white Christian Nationalism. It’s times like these when a full embrace of self-love and celebration of our existence individually and corporately is most challenged. Yet, it’s precisely in a time when hostility and hateful attitudes are promoted that we must be even more celebratory of our existence and declare what we bring to humanity.
We cannot (and should not) ask to simply be tolerated. Our creation is not an accident. We are not the results of DNA gone awry. We are the outcome of love, intended to exist as soon as the lights of the universe blinked on. We should be compelled to do more than just ask for tolerance. We must demand acceptance and appreciation for ourselves, our children and for the well-being of all people outside the tragically common understanding yet exclusionary definition of ‘normal’.
The best I can say about tolerance is it’s a small chip in the rock blocking us from our ability to love being alive. Loving ourselves is an act of resistance, standing bravely and resolutely in the way of those who would pretend we don’t exist and don’t belong to the human family. Nothing is more valuable to oppressors than keeping the oppressed in a state of self-contempt, afraid to demand equality. We must keep checking our attitudes and thinking if our goal is to prevent sliding into the muck of seeing ourselves as outside of the human family. Challenge your thinking. Do you merely tolerate yourself, or have you taken the very brave step of smiling with a face full of love when you look in the mirror? Are you ok with only being tolerated – the stopping point for anyone who refuses to love those unlike themselves? Or are you demanding from the world what you give to yourself – full acceptance, appreciation and celebration of each breath you take and each healing touch you offer to those in pain?
It’s difficult to jettison attitudes we know well, despite the limitations they put on us. It can be very difficult to speak our truth to anyone who may consider us as merely tolerable. Maggie Smith, the founder of the Gray Panthers, said, “Speak even if your voice is shaking.” But shaking voices eventually change into shouts of joy and calls for equality, especially when we realize mere tolerance isn’t enough.
