With the Flick of a Thumb Part 2: Jealousy
By Giselle Byrd
As I evolved in my womanhood, I found more of my power. I grew more independent and fulfilled in the work that I did. I met new people: some good, some great, some hilariously terrible. J and I reconnected and kept in touch, him giving updates from Savannah, me telling him about the latest New York crazy. We instantly transformed into just being good friends—but I didn’t feel upset by it at all. Whenever I was home in Georgia, we’d find a way to meet and catch up on where we were in life and holiday plans (that’s typically when I went home). It was great to have a friend back home that knew of my journey. He even met one of the most special pieces of my heart, Granny.
It was during one of these trips home that I mentioned on the phone to him how I’d met a guy down South, who my mama deemed ‘The Country Man.’ The Country Man was actually very sweet and had a kind soul. I still remember he was the first date I ever went on who actually came in the house to meet my mama and shake my uncle’s hand. My uncle gave him a look like, “If you don’t bring her back, I’m slashing your tires AND YOU until we find her.” I was excited to tell J about this during one of our conversations—and I was surprisingly met with a harshness: “You know, I don’t really wanna hear about him.” There was jealousy.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
I thought my friend would be happy for me, but it was clear he was upset. I quickly responded, “I was just sharing this with you; you can’t be mad at me for this when you have a girlfriend.” I felt it was odd and strange. We hung up quickly. I reflected on why he would be so upset over this, and it hit me: “Does he have feelings for me?” and “Do I have feelings for him?” But I didn’t think my life welcomed a Victorian love story, so I just moved on with the Country Man, who claimed he would make my mama happy and bring her daughter home. Ultimately, that didn’t happen.
I find a lot of comfort in it, actually. As much sweetness as the Country Man brought from when he would come and pick me up in his HUGE pickup truck from my mama’s house, it wasn’t until he confessed to me that not only did he have a son (which I knew), but also a teenage daughter, that I found something special within him. He wanted to always do the right thing and be the best version of himself. He felt like a failure for having two failed relationships and two children by two different people. I didn’t see it that way. His children were beautiful products of those special moments in his life. No one is perfect. I knew I wasn’t.
Ultimately, we both knew that he would need a woman who would be ready for domesticity and country life. On paper it seemed like my dream: I’d be close to home, could spend more time with my family, and build one of my own. But a very wise actress told me, “Oh no dear, that’s not for you. There are greater things ahead.” If you don’t know Roberta Maxwell, do a Wikipedia search. She is a legend among us. She saved me from being the Black trans Zsa Zsa Gabor in my own version of Green Acres.
After that moment of jealousy, J and I maintained radio silence for a while. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. Yet somehow, we found our way back. He apologized for his comments and it seemed our friendship was back on track. We even saw each other in New York when he came to visit friends. There was still something there but years had passed, and we had evolved into different people. At this point it was 2019 and I had started dating someone who I thought was PERFECTION (but later realized wasn’t for me), and for the first time I was happy.
Six months later, the breakup happened. Amongst all the friends I told the epic breakup story to, J was one of them. We laughed at the drama of it, but also he assured me that sometimes you have to learn these things for yourself. (He’s great about throwing a life lesson at EVERYTHING). I saw him in New York later that fall and we laughed about how our Tinder connection had been maintained over three years.
We saw each other again in the fall of 2020 amidst my plans for gender affirming surgeries. He asked me if I had fears, and how my mindset had changed from when we first met. “You said you didn’t ever want to do surgery,” he said, looking at me slightly puzzled. “Yeah, but I’m at a place where I want to affirm my truth more fully,” I responded. “I think that’s great,” he said with the same sweet smile he always had.
We then laughed at how I was told I needed to gain weight for surgery and was eating Popeye’s as much as I wanted. We talked about the hysteria caused by their chicken sandwich. There were then discussions of a friend’s wedding, which COVID-19 had postponed and caused us to relocate to NYC and reduce the guest list. J had actually gone with me as I toured the previous wedding venue one afternoon when I was back home in Georgia. She had planned for her nuptials to be in Savannah at a historic home.
After our brief NYC catch up, he dropped me off at Home Goods to meet the bride-to-be for some retail therapy, then made his way back to Massachusetts where he was going to visit his mom. I wouldn’t see him again until February 2022.
Giselle before her gender affirming surgery
For those of you who don’t know, that gender affirming surgery didn’t go as planned, which led to a personal downward spiral. J had been checking on me throughout the recovery process, but as things took a turn, I told him I needed to be absent for a while. But in his sweet way, he reached out a few days later:
“Hey, I know you don’t want to be bothered. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling and just let you know you can reach out whenever you want to chat. Thinking about you today.”
I told him how I was recovering from the implant removal, about all of the pain meds, and how I was contemplating starting hormones. He was happy that I was getting back to myself. He confided in me that his relationship had ended, and he was planning to move back home to be closer to his mom as she was getting older. He said it was time he started living more on his terms. I was proud of him. To live you on your own terms is a giant step, no matter your age. It was the first time we had both been in periods of change. It was refreshing. We talked on and off as we had before, and in the fall of 2021 a very apparent shift started happening.
I found myself on dates and unenthused. These dudes were nice and handsome, but I soon discovered there was no depth to them. As hormones transformed my body, these guys were more invested in the physical transformation that was happening rather than in me as a person. One day, I told J, “You know, this may sound weird, but I find it hard to date when none of these people are like you. You just get me.” He didn’t disagree. Over five years, we had created a great friendship—and clearly there was a door left open.
We tried to meet each other before I headed home to Georgia for the Christmas holidays, but it didn’t work out, so we decided to just FaceTime when I had free moments from babysitting my niece, baking, or shopping with my mama. After a girls night dinner, one of my back-home besties Meredith called me out saying excitedly, “You and J are talking A LOT these days. Are y’all dating?” It was the first time that question had been asked of me. “I don’t think we are,” I said with a laugh. “We are very close, but I don’t think it’s THAT.”
I got home from dinner thinking, “What is happening?” But I put it to bed. We were good friends. That was all this could be. And then February 2022 happened. Q
Find out what happens next month in Giselle’s third and final installation of With The Flick of A Thumb.
Giselle Byrd is an advocate and educator on the journey of Black Trans people in America. Aiming to inspire members of her community to find their voice and showcase their greatness, Byrd represents clients who work across the entertainment industry through activism and social media. Her clients have recently collaborated with brands and organizations including Google, Burberry, Prada, Viktor and Rolf, WNBA, Callen-Lorde, The Ali Forney Center, Folx Health, GLAAD, ViacomCBS, and BET. As a producer, she holds the honor of being the first Transgender woman to be accepted into Through Her Lens: The Tribeca Chanel Women's Filmmaker Program. Her documentary film debut, Giselle’s Story, directed by Susan O’Brien, was accepted into the Imagine This International Women’s Festival.