By Cariahnna Collazo-Cintron

A fresh breeze blew through my hair and grazed my delicate cheeks as my legs pumped with excitement. Push, push, push. The wheels on my skates turned faster and faster as my legs maneuvered my body with roller-finesse. As I looked around I watched my classmates make their way around the rink. We were on a weekend trip with our school. A bunch of students, faculty, and parents were there to experience some fun bonding. Katy Perry’s new single, “I Kissed A Girl” blared on the speakers. I had already heard the song a bunch of times and was singing along as I skated my way around the smooth polished floors. I made my way over to Natalie* and began skating with her, fingers interlocked.

After we left, I told my mom that I wanted to tell her something. Although I had been aware of the fact that I liked girls for some time, I had never expressed that to anyone in my family. And, aside from the other girls that I had liked over the years, I had never told any of my friends either. It wasn’t a secret, but I wasn’t out. With Katy Perry’s blaring declaration in the back of my mind, I told my mom, “Did you see me skating with my friend Natalie?... I like her.” And at that moment, my not-so-secret was officially front-page news. I wasn’t afraid to tell my mom that I liked her, but I was a little nervous. My mom quickly reassured me that it was okay and that she supported me no matter what and that she would always love me. Funnily, she even said that she had a feeling that would be the case (my sexuality).

At that time, I wasn’t overly aware of the various sexualities or the LGBTQ+ community in general. I knew that there were straight, gay, and bisexual people. And with that knowledge, I declared myself bisexual. I had had crushes on both boys and girls up until this point and had been reassured that all sexualities were valid before I even came out. However, the parents of the other students in my life were not so understanding or accepting. Unlike with my family, my coming out had ramifications that I had not considered a possibility. I had plenty of girl friends at school with whom I would hang out both at school and outside of school and when their parents found out that I had declared myself bisexual, I became a target and a scapegoat immediately. 

I was trying to turn them into lesbians—that’s what they accused me of.

Suddenly, the behavior and actions of my friends were blamed on me. I was a bad influence on them, I was sexualizing them, and I was trying to turn them into lesbians—that’s what they accused me of. Instead of us all being young women who were developing and going through puberty together, living and sometimes making dumb decisions as young kids do, I was now the evil force in their lives forcing them into posing certain ways in photos or saying certain things. Because they had a “gay” friend, these girls were no longer responsible or autonomous over their actions. Instead, they were under the influence of a “sinner” as their Christian mothers so confidently proclaimed. 

Unfortunately, my coming out inspired my peers to question their own sexualities. I say unfortunately because under two separate circumstances I had “girlfriends” who claimed they liked me, but when our little relationship became public and others found out they backed out, saying that they didn’t actually like girls or that we had never dated to begin with. It was extremely embarrassing for me because it made me look like a liar. What the parents of my friend’s accused me of looked truer and truer as these girls lied to our peers because they were not ready to be out.

I felt betrayed—not only by these young women who had claimed to be my girlfriends but by my friends who did not stand up for me in front of their parents. They didn’t deny any claims that I had forced them to act a certain way or that I was trying to convert them to lesbians. They sat there and watched their parents verbally abuse me and bully me for my sexuality. Their parents didn’t want them to be friends with me anymore and many of them drew away from me at school making me feel isolated. 

At the age of 12, I knew that homophobia existed, but it never felt close to home. I had seen it in movies and heard about it in passing, but It wasn’t something that I feared coming into contact with. It seemed like something that I was far removed from despite my sexuality. When I came out, I wasn’t afraid that I was going to be punished or treated differently. However, the safety of coming out to my mother no longer mattered. I realized that the support of one parent or even of a family unit would not be enough to shield me from the reality of the world–it wasn’t actually okay to be gay. 

*Natalie is a pseudonym that has been used to maintain the privacy of the actual individual mentioned in this story. 

By Cariahnna Collazo-Cintron

A fresh breeze blew through my hair and grazed my delicate cheeks as my legs pumped with excitement. Push, push, push. The wheels on my skates turned faster and faster as my legs maneuvered my body with roller-finesse. As I looked around I watched my classmates make their way around the rink. We were on a weekend trip with our school. A bunch of students, faculty, and parents were there to experience some fun bonding. Katy Perry’s new single, “I Kissed A Girl” blared on the speakers. I had already heard the song a bunch of times and was singing along as I skated my way around the smooth polished floors. I made my way over to Natalie* and began skating with her, fingers interlocked.

After we left, I told my mom that I wanted to tell her something. Although I had been aware of the fact that I liked girls for some time, I had never expressed that to anyone in my family. And, aside from the other girls that I had liked over the years, I had never told any of my friends either. It wasn’t a secret, but I wasn’t out. With Katy Perry’s blaring declaration in the back of my mind, I told my mom, “Did you see me skating with my friend Natalie?... I like her.” And at that moment, my not-so-secret was officially front-page news. I wasn’t afraid to tell my mom that I liked her, but I was a little nervous. My mom quickly reassured me that it was okay and that she supported me no matter what and that she would always love me. Funnily, she even said that she had a feeling that would be the case (my sexuality).

IMAGE

At that time, I wasn’t overly aware of the various sexualities or the LGBTQ+ community in general. I knew that there were straight, gay, and bisexual people. And with that knowledge, I declared myself bisexual. I had had crushes on both boys and girls up until this point and had been reassured that all sexualities were valid before I even came out. However, the parents of the other students in my life were not so understanding or accepting. Unlike with my family, my coming out had ramifications that I had not considered a possibility. I had plenty of girl friends at school with whom I would hang out both at school and outside of school and when their parents found out that I had declared myself bisexual, I became a target and a scapegoat immediately. 

I was trying to turn them into lesbians—that’s what they accused me of.

Suddenly, the behavior and actions of my friends were blamed on me. I was a bad influence on them, I was sexualizing them, and I was trying to turn them into lesbians—that’s what they accused me of. Instead of us all being young women who were developing and going through puberty together, living and sometimes making dumb decisions as young kids do, I was now the evil force in their lives forcing them into posing certain ways in photos or saying certain things. Because they had a “gay” friend, these girls were no longer responsible or autonomous over their actions. Instead, they were under the influence of a “sinner” as their Christian mothers so confidently proclaimed. 

Unfortunately, my coming out inspired my peers to question their own sexualities. I say unfortunately because under two separate circumstances I had “girlfriends” who claimed they liked me, but when our little relationship became public and others found out they backed out, saying that they didn’t actually like girls or that we had never dated to begin with. It was extremely embarrassing for me because it made me look like a liar. What the parents of my friend’s accused me of looked truer and truer as these girls lied to our peers because they were not ready to be out.

I felt betrayed—not only by these young women who had claimed to be my girlfriends but by my friends who did not stand up for me in front of their parents. They didn’t deny any claims that I had forced them to act a certain way or that I was trying to convert them to lesbians. They sat there and watched their parents verbally abuse me and bully me for my sexuality. Their parents didn’t want them to be friends with me anymore and many of them drew away from me at school making me feel isolated. 

At the age of 12, I knew that homophobia existed, but it never felt close to home. I had seen it in movies and heard about it in passing, but It wasn’t something that I feared coming into contact with. It seemed like something that I was far removed from despite my sexuality. When I came out, I wasn’t afraid that I was going to be punished or treated differently. However, the safety of coming out to my mother no longer mattered. I realized that the support of one parent or even of a family unit would not be enough to shield me from the reality of the world–it wasn’t actually okay to be gay. 

*Natalie is a pseudonym that has been used to maintain the privacy of the actual individual mentioned in this story. 

Cariahanna Collazo-Cintron: Imperfect. Feminist. New YoRican. Scholar. Activist. Neurodivergent. Mid-Size Model. Maxxinista. Mug Collector. Makeup Artist. Dog-mom. Fiancė. Metaphysical. “Gordina” Ramsey. Turn the music up.