Counterpoints: Looking at HIV Infection In the ‘80s, and Today
Ariel Sabillon, Age 25
Written by Frank Pizzoli Journalist Frank Pizzoli has been HIV-positive since the ‘80s. Activist Ariel Sabillon learned of his HIV status when he was 17. They sat down to share with each other and readers their unique HIV experiences.
Frank Pizzoli: On June 5, 1981, the Centers for Disease Control first declared there was a public health emergency they named Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Understandably, back then it was difficult to find a doctor who understood what might be going on medically. It was also difficult to find a doctor who wasn’t judgmental. No one needs that when they fear they may be dying. My first HIV doctor said to me, “Say you have cancer and everyone rallies around you. Say AIDS and they abandon you.”
Ariel Sabillon, at age 22 advocating for a better understanding of HIV
Ariel, what were your experiences upon learning of your HIV status?
Ariel Sabillon: I was only 17. I thought my life was over! I was in shock. Who's going to want me? I felt like a slut who had a scarlet letter on him. That was my first reaction. It was life changing.
FP: How did people around you react?
AS: Looking back, I realize now that I was okay. I had tons of support. Fortunately, I did not struggle to find doctors. They were and continue to be very understanding, open, and caring.
FP: Back in my day, I remember that an “AIDS” diagnosis meant you had about two years to live. At that time, doctors could treat infections the virus caused but not the virus itself. News of infection meant you were forced to examine every aspect of your life. What was it like for you when you were first diagnosed and had to think through all aspects of your life?
AS: The difficult task for me back then, and I hear this same thing from others, was having to think through the various ‘intersections’ in my life. We all talk about ‘intersectionality’ and for me that meant family, friends, sex, and sexual partners.
I was for the first time in my life…living with my sexuality in an open and healthy way.
FP: Let’s break that down for readers whose own experiences may be the same, similar, or completely different. What’s important is that we’re both sharing with each other and readers.
AS: The first factor for me to think through was my being a man who loved other men. I’m a young man of color. My diagnosis forced me to look at that. Like I said I was 17 and I found it really challenging to accept myself. Now I had to add HIV into my thinking.
FP: Did you go to family at first?
AS: Actually, telling my family I was HIV-positive is what brought up all the ‘intersections.”
FP: How so?
AS: It was uncomfortable. We had to have ‘the conversation’ about my sexuality. I had to tell them I’d been intimate with men. That was embarrassing. I felt humiliated because in my culture and given my family’s religious beliefs you don’t talk about your sexuality in any way. And certainly not from a ‘disease’ point of view.
FP: Sounds like you were challenged…
AS: I was. I mean when you’re heterosexual you don’t have to sit down with family, or anyone, and explain it all. So, yeah, that was challenging. I kept asking family to turn the situation around and imagine what it would be like to have to explain their loving someone of the opposite sex.
FP: Having these difficult conversations with family helped you?
AS: It did. Because I’d struggled through these conversations, I was for the first time in my life living with my sexuality in an open and healthy way. I didn't know how to do that prior to my HIV diagnosis and these family talks. Being open helped me come together on it all within myself.
FP: Do these kinds of conversations—who you love, how you deal with HIV—continue for you and family?
AS: Yeah, for sure, that conversation continues. In later conversations, family members expressed their regret that because of their own reactions to all the new information, that I’m gay and HIV-positive, they couldn't be there for me at that time. That’s when I needed to know I was still loved.
FP: And today…after all your soul searching?
AS: I am healthy. I have very full days of volunteering with my non-profits. And my family is there for me.
FP: After sharing with family came sharing with friends? Did you have peers around the same age that you confided? In my day, guys often kept those who knew of their infection and those who didn’t separate. I did it that way.
AS: I had good friends who supported me at the time. Their support continues. I have a very loving circle. I’ve reached a level of peace with my HIV.
FP: Would you say that you’ve empowered yourself since your diagnosis?
AS: I would say that I learned to love myself through the. Now my HIV is a treatable medical condition like many others. I mean, nobody feels bad about having diabetes. There should never be any shame attached to a medical diagnosis.
FP: Sounds like your personal work around HIV continues?
AS: The important part was realizing that I had to make peace with the fact that I am a sexual being who enjoys sex with men. Truthfully, I'm still making peace with that and my counseling helps. I’m sure many others my age experience some of the same feelings when they learn they’re HIV-positive.
FP: Like what? I know I had so many self-doubts, so much useless second guessing about my own behavior.
AS: It was so easy to feel like this is something I did to myself by my own behavior. You feel like you need to blame yourself.
FP: Have you found, like I did, that once I was open about my HIV status, so were others? That the boogeyman became visible? People knew I was infected and some quietly sought me out.
AS: Yes, that did and continues to happen with me too, that’s a common occurrence. It just happened this week where a friend of mine disclosed to me they’re infected. Every couple of months somebody comes up to me to disclose their infection.
FP: Sounds like you’ve done the hard work of looking into the mirror, dealing with who and what you saw, which now enables you to help others in your same situation. If you were in front of a group of HIV-positive people—young or old, new or old infections—what would you say?
AS: You have your life ahead of you. Like and love yourself. Accept yourself. You are loved and lovable.
Journalist Frank Pizzoli
Journalist Frank Pizzoli is a 71-year-old, cisgendered, white, gay male and a longtime HIV survivor. His work has been published by Raw Story, Huffington Post, Brooklyn Rail, abc.com, White Crane Review, Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide, Instinct, POZ, HIV Plus, AlterNet.com, Body Positive, New York Blade News, and Washington Blade, among many others. His work is included in the anthologies Conversations with Edmund White (University of Kentucky Press), and Smashing Cathedrals (ITNA Press). Pizzoli’s advocacy is noted in Queering the Countryside: New Frontiers in Rural Queer Studies (NYU Press), His HIV work is chronicled in Out in Central Pennsylvania: The History of an LGBTQ Community (Penn State University Press).
—Frank Pizzoli
Ariel Sabillon is a 25-year-old, gay, Latino immigrant from Honduras now living in San Juan, Puerto Rico. He has been HIV positive since the age of 17. Currently, he engages with several non-profit organizations focusing on domestic violence, the environment, and HIV. Sabillon describes himself as someone who “uses story-telling as a form of healing and as a way to bring communities together.”
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