Lifting the Veil: A Coming Out Story Pt.2
By Cariahnna Collazo-Cintron
Photos courtesy of Cariahnna Collazo-Cintron
Despite having experienced my first and most blatant encounter with homophobia at a young age, the harshness of the world didn’t quite get me down. I continued having an interest in both sexes and explored those interests as best I could. It wasn’t super common to meet other young girls who were out at the time, but I managed to have a few short-lived (closeted) “girlfriends” before entering high school. From there on, despite my interest in both women and men, the latter flocked to me like a moth to a flame. So from ages 14-24, I ended up having a string of serious relationships with men, which shaped my sexual, emotional, and social experiences.
Regardless of who I was dating, I always made my queer identity known to my partners and tried to be a part of the queer community. I attended Pride religiously, had queer friends, frequented gay bars, and was an open advocate for our community. Because I didn’t hide my queerness, I didn’t realize that dating men still offered me a level of heteronormative privilege and that despite my attempts to be openly queer, dating men veiled that part of me from the public.
It wasn’t until I started dating my fiancée that I realized that for most of my life my experiences with dating men had unintentionally protected me from homophobia. It was a very subtle yet sudden and confusing realization. Now, whenever she and I would be out in public holding hands or displaying affection, I was conscious of what some might think of us. I realized that I had become aware of my surroundings when I usually wasn’t. It was an uncomfortable feeling. We would discuss planning vacations and I found myself searching the internet to see if the places where we wanted to go would be safe for us or not. I hated it. I was losing my heteronormative privilege—this was my second coming out.
“some of my thought patterns have been heavily influenced by my heteronormative past.”
What I experienced when I came out at the age of 12 was nothing compared to what I was now going through at the age of 25. At the age of 12, I had no idea what heteronormative privilege was. Now I was deeply aware of how dangerous it could actually be to exist as an openly queer person. While I am still deeply privileged as a lighter-skinned, cisgendered woman, my ignorance and dating history didn’t prepare me for what it would feel like to be visibly gay. I felt guilty (and sometimes still do) for missing my anonymity. For missing the ability to walk through the world with my partner and not have to worry about what anyone might think, say, or do to us simply for existing.
Since we began dating, the feeling has somewhat subsided as it has become my new normal, but I still have days where I notice that some of my thought patterns have been heavily influenced by my heteronormative past. Instead of worrying, I try to tell myself that we will be okay, even if that may not always be true. When I find myself questioning everyone around me, I remind myself to give them the benefit of the doubt. Innocent until proven guilty, right?
And, while my initial coming out was much easier than it was for some, this is my reminder to myself that coming out never really ends. This second coming out has been much harder, but it has also been rewarding. I have learned so much about myself, my community, and love and I plan to continue. I remind myself that coming out and being queer are not singular destinations, they are multifaceted journeys that are unique to each’s individual experience.
At age 27, newly out (again), I tell myself there is still much to learn, much to live, and much to love. The reality of the world is that life is seldom easy and it’s not just okay—it’s fucking great to be gay! Q
Cariahanna Collazo-Cintron is a NuyoRican neurodivergent activist who aspires to become a social worker and pursue a career in non-profit management. She is a licensed Esthetician, mid-sized model, and self-proclaimed Maxxinista who loves to cook, dance, browse metaphysical shops with her fiancé Kennedy, or go for strolls with their two dogs, Khaleesi and Rhaego. "Join me as I peel back the layers of my life in search of the woman I am destined to become—forging my path and mending the cracks, one story at a time.”