Confessions of a Disgruntled Mid-Sized Shopaholic
If there is one thing about me, it’s that I love to shop. Give me an unlimited budget, a bottle of water, and some comfortable shoes and I will do some serious damage. The problem with this is that I don’t really know how to pick my poison.
I love shopping—it doesn’t really matter what I’m shopping for, I will find a way to make it exciting. However, there are a few things that I especially love to shop for, like home decor, shoes, clothing, and cosmetics. I get it; I’m just like every other bitch. But one of these categories is much harder for me to shop for. By the title, you probably guessed which: clothing.
I have always struggled with my weight. Since I was a kid, I have fluctuated between chubby, average, and fat. But I’ve always been overweight. I’m a petite woman, 4’9” or 5” in my most worn heels. Being short coupled with being overweight makes shopping extremely difficult. The fashion industry notoriously excludes both petite and plus-sized women, so for someone who is both, finding clothes that flatter my figure without leaving a trail of fabric behind me is like spotting a unicorn in a thunderstorm.
For most of my life, I have fit into straight-sized clothing. And for a few years, I was much smaller than I am now, a size 4 at my smallest. Now a size 14, I find myself disappointed and fatigued when I try to shop for clothing that suits my style. At my current size, I am considered mid-size in the fashion industry which pretty much means that depending on the retailer, I can either fit the largest straight size or the smallest plus size. This makes shopping difficult because my size is not consistent (but what size is, honestly). Sometimes, I can go into a store and purchase a size L or XL in an item, and other times, those same sizes won’t go past my knees. Because I am petite, when I try on a 0XL or 1X depending on the sizes offered, I am usually swimming in fabric, because plus-sized items are not made the same as straight sizes.
If it’s not the struggle of being fat then it's the struggle of being short that impedes my ability to buy the bad-bitch outfits of my dreams. It’s taken me a long time to accept and love my body since I have been bullied about my weight throughout my life. Since I was able to fit into straight sizes for most of this time, I never experienced frustration with my body the way that I do now. I usually like the way I look, but when I put on unflattering clothing or can’t fit into the clothes that I want, it causes me to criticize my body in ways that I haven’t for a while.
Even at my smallest, I did not view myself as skinny or feel that I fit into the beauty standard. But I enjoyed being able to go into stores and not worry whether they carried my size. Now that I am losing my straight-sized privilege, shopping has become more of a chore than the enjoyable pastime that it once was. It’s hard to maintain a positive outlook and appreciate my body when the fashion industry is constantly showing that my body is not valued. Size exclusivity in the fashion industry is so damaging to self-esteem and I am feeling it more now than ever.
I want the freedom to walk into a store and pick out any item that I like and be able to take it home. I deserve the freedom to wear what makes me happy. I understand that I am still more fortunate than those who struggle even more with finding their sizes in store and don’t want to take away from their experiences. We should all be able to have the privilege and luxury of shopping aimlessly and dropping coins on the latest looks without being embarrassed that a store doesn’t even make our size. Until then, I, and everyone else who resonates with this, need to remind ourselves when we are faced with these disappointing situations that our bodies are not the problem—and take our money to places that know that.
